Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his hand while she waited for him to wake up. A few minutes later she looked over and his eyes were fluttering. He opened them, looked directly at her and said "Hi Beautiful" and went back to sleep.
Well, a little startled and blushing, the wife wondered what he was thinking as he hadn`t said anything that sweet to her in ages. A few minutes later, his eyes opened again, and he looked over and said, "Hi ya Cutie". then proceeded to fall back to sleep.
Feeling a bit hurt with the downgrade from beautiful to cutie, the wife patiently waited. When he woke up again, she said, "Honey, why did you downgrade me from Beautiful to Cutie just a few minutes ago."
And without missing a beat, the husband looked at her and said, "The drugs are wearing off."
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."