A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"
"Is is beef?" The daughter Julie asked.
"Is it pork?" the son Will asked.
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Will exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Husband said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Will!" cried Julie, "We're eating Asshole!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
Finally the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"