Saturday, March 22, 2014

Sunday Funnies...

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. 

After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. 

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. 

When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" 

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?" 

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!" 

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?" 

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it." 

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?" 

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed." 

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?" 

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!" 

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?" 

"I found it."

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" 

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" 

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." 

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" 

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" 

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" 

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic." 

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses." 

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?" 

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

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