Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"
Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
Things men never say
-- Let's watch Lifetime.
-- Sex is overrated.
-- I don't want to go too far on the first date.
-- Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.
-- Don't we owe your mother a visit?
-- I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.
-- Dessert goes right to my hips.
-- I hate when I miss Oprah.
-- Does this suit make me look fat?
-- I'll never get tired of listening to Celine Dion.
Reverend Smith visits Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishioners in his church. Reverend Smith notices that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ sits a bowl which contains a condom floating in water.
Befuddled, Reverend Smith asks her to explain this.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replies, "I found that lying on the street corner, and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease. Frankly, I haven't been sick all year."